Dear Toilet Seat Name Carvers,

images
Originally uploaded by Giulia1.

I wasted two hours of my life at a bar on the Sunset Strip a few years ago. It was the one with the mechanical bullriding, that had the drunk chicks on it, with big, sloppy titties wearing tank tops meant for eight year olds on them. You know, the girls that act surprised when their big, sloppy titties fall out of their tiny shirts.

Anyways, after watching these lovely ladies for an hour and 55 minutes, I had to urinate. I looked down at the toilet seat and noticed you and your vandal buddies had left your initials or tag names on the seat of the toilet. The tags weren’t in markers, in fact the artist had CARVED his note, with a KNIFE, into the shitty, piss drenched TOILET SEAT.

I don’t dislike you, I just think you are a douchebag. Just knowing you probably spent a good twenty-five minutes, snickering to yourself, as you knelt in pee, with your face inches from ass remnants and abandoned pubic lice makes me hate you. Are you really that big of a loser, cos’ it wasn’t that cool? I bet when you were doing this you had an accomplice who stood watch at thedoor, “Yo D-RIZZZAA, hurry up man!” All the while, there were big, sloppy titties flying around all over the bar out there. Know your priorities toilet seat carving douchebag!

D-MAC

Dear Co-office Workers,

As an additional note to Giulias Dear Offfice workers who comment on my lunch, I would like to add:

Please do not comment on my flossing and brushing in the bathroom. I'm merely exhibiting good oral hygiene and do not deserve inordinate praise for it. While it is commendable that I bother to not have the coffee breath some of you exhibit all day, I do not need my ego stroked for placing a toothbrush in my mouth. While comments such as "Oh you're so good" are not meant to somehow bolster my confidence,it is distracting and downright rude for you to start a conversation with me when I'm busy picking the pieces of lunch pizza from my back teeth. Also please do not continue talking about spreadsheets and such and when they might be ready when I'm in the stall itself. Needless to say my mind is on other things and the sounds you might hear will not necessarily answer your burning spreadsheet question.
Yours in truth,
Fiona

Dear Douchebag Latin American Parking Attendant,

I just wanted to let you know more about myself, because I think we got off on the wrong foot yesterday. My name is Dennis, I am a 28 year old, I think Capricorn, originally from Boston Massachusetts. I root for the Yankees, which is weird I admit, but then again, we all have our dents and flaws.

My concern and cause for this letter comes after a confrontation we had yesterday morning at the Washington Mutual parking lot, next to the IKEA in Burbank, California. Contrary to your verbalized claim that I was stupid (you said, and I quote, "Joo are a stupid!"). I think I'm not.

1. I am a card carrying banker at Washington Mutual.
2. I got a 1210 on my SATs (which isn't bad)
3. I'm not the guy working in the parking lot at Washington Mutual.

At no point, when you saw me park my car, look around to see that no one (you) saw me there, and run across the street to IKEA did you even think to ask yourself, if I belonged to the bank. And how am I supposed to know your secret rule, that I can't use my bank to park in for other shit. Furthermore, when you confronted me, I never called YOU stupid, I simply said, "THIS is stupid." To which you replied "JOO ARE STUPID! ASH-HOLE!"
You coulnd't care less, even when I waved my banking card at you from across the street you still threatened to have me towed.

Regardless of sticking to your so called "rules", you are a douchebag, just because I wasn't going to use the bank per se, doens't mean I shouldn't be allowed to use the parking lot I help pay for, to go across the steet and buy a 24 piece steak knive set for $6.99.
Eat shit parking lot guy, you're a true fucking douchebag.
Dennis

Dear Toby Baker,

Now, I know that you're the wife of my university's president, but does that really make an excuse for your douchey behavior? Oh, you don't know what I mean? Well then, let me explain. See my friends and I own a dog near campus known as Krypto, which you had the joy of meeting last weekend. Now you remember? Yeah, he was the poor little dog that was lost and running scared that you said was a vicious animal and had you "absolutely terrified." Now, I understand that a grown woman has every right to be terrified of innocent dogs but does that mean you get to have him taken away from us as well?
Well, I'm glad that your douchey fear of animals has made us lose our favorite housemate. I didn't really think you had that kind of authority before but now I've definitely learned my lesson. Will you outlaw birds on campus if one poops on your shoulder? That would be super douchey of you. Oh well, I hope you have a wonderful dog-free day, because I sure will!
Puppy Hugs and Doggy Kisses,
Joe