Dear JD Smith from Delta Airlines,

I don’t think you got the gist of what I was asking you to do for me on the phone today. When I asked if I could move my wife’s seat next to mine for our flight, I did not expect you to respond with, “Is there anything else we can help you with today?”

You were very, very, passive aggressive to me, which isn’t cool. I shrugged it off though, thinking that maybe the reason you asked me such a strange question at such an impromtu point was because of the phone connection. You should talk to your tech guys, because you sounded like you were 10,000 plus miles away or something. Like maybe you’re in India or Malaysia. Really weird.

Anyway, the real reason I think you are a douchebag is because I still havent’ gotten my wife’s seat situation sorted out. After ten minutes you were still unable to locate my flight, even with my locator number. Remember, you even repeated commonly used words with the first initial of each word to make sure you had it right, “Charlie-Lima-Elephant-Ostrich-Xylophone-Tennis and Diphthrxanknpolhsdlikfiol”

When you still couldn’t “locate” my flight reservation, you decided to pawn me off on your supervisor “Betty Marge Johnson”. Bettys’ English, although only half as broken as yours, was not too Betty-ish. I can only hope I’m not seated in the luggage compartment.

Quit towing the company line “JD Smith”. You’re a real corporate douchebag.

Love,
D

PS You’re still not as big a douchebag as Bill O”Reilly.

Dear Douchebag Creator of One Ply Toilet Paper,

You must be an angry person who relishes the idea of his customers walking around with "shit-hands" all day? Either that or you are trying to be cheap, my guess is the latter. Do you think anyone out there, who doesn't wear a helmet 24 hours a day, braves the integrity of your paper by NOT doubling or sectupling the layers of your cray paper wipant? Give me a 9,000 foot roll of single ply toilet paper and I guarantee it's gone in seven hours (three on Sunday when football is on). I may as well be wiping my ass with pixie dust, the way your single ply TP disintegrates in my coarse, foul shitbox. I and many others are on to your scam dirtbag, and I will continue to pay the extra $1/per roll for that layer of security that shields me from direct contact with my rusty sherriff's badge. Quit playin' with your butthole "One Ply Inventor", you're a gross dude and a true douchebag.

Love,

Dennis

Dear A**hole who sat in the front row of my performance last night.

Have you heard the old adage "Are you in showbusiness? No? Well take your feet off the fecking stage so!". I don't know if you have ADD or are non compis mentis but if you even have the vaguest notion that you might be the kind of person who's easily distracted (by that I mean looking around ALL THE TIME during a performance) then its probably not the best idea that you sit in the front row in full light during a solo performance with you feet resting on the stage so that I almost trip over them. I don't know who the hell you were looking for. A long lost relative? Your disintegrating brain cells? But I really wanted to wallop you and say "get the f*ck out of my show!". And then to top it off - during two curtain calls you didn't even clap once! Not once! Listen mate, save the theater-going public the annoyance of seeing your pasty -four-eyed face in the front row and stay home. We don't need your hostility, disinterest or business!

-Fiona

Dear Rush Limbaugh,

Rush Limbaugh - Odious Gasbag!
Originally uploaded by Buddy Stone.

Last week on your radio program you blasted Michael J. Fox for faking his Parkinson's tremors. You said that he was obviously acting and that you KNEW his body could be controlled better than that. You actually accused him of not taking his medication to make his Parkinson's worse! You truly are a douchebag. No one said you were faking when you admitted to being addicted to Oxy Contin, a drug you didn't need for any life-threatening condition. No one made fun of your perceived "illness" as you made fun of Michael J. Fox. Who the hell are you to get high and mighty? Fox is dying from an incurable disease and you have no sympathy. Get caught doctor-shopping and stealing your maid's husband's pain pills and suddenly you deserve understanding? Blow me, Limbaugh, you're an asshole douchebag.

-
Heather