Dear Boy Whom I Assist Much Too Often,

It is very rude of you to expect me to tell you everything that our mutual friend tells me. I mean, I understand the whole "is she talking about me?" approach to discovering her love for you, but it's really becoming a bit too much for me. I'd like to have a conversation that wasn't pointedly concerning her relationship with you. We girls have other things to discuss, like nail polish and cute boys and chick flicks.

Additionally, you should be grateful that I do any sort of undercover work for you at all, considering that three weeks ago you informed me that you liked my personality but that I wasn't hot enough to date, or something like that. I really should have backhanded you, but I didn't, because I am a rather generous soul.

Considering this, you should be glad that I tell you what color her shirt will be tomorrow, let alone whether or not she returns your affections. In the future, you might want to consider a well-placed "thank you" or maybe baking me some cookies. I'm especially fond of snickerdoodles.

Love,
Gabs