Dear People,

There comes a point in everyone's life that makes them say "God Damn...are people THAT stupid?" Usually at these crossroads in humanity, the answer is a "yes."

This is my thoughts on the population out there that believes global warming is not happening. When I did a Google search on Global Warming, it found 54,200,000 hits. Paris Hilton only got 26,400,000 hits, and ferrets were a distant 3rd with 2,690,000 hits. Don't worry little buddies, when you start becoming famous for being nothing but a slut, you will get more Google hits.....anyway, we are getting off track now.

Global Warming is a SCIENTIFIC FACT. The reason SCIENTIFIC FACT is in capitals is because I really want to drive home that Global Warming is a SCIENTIFIC FACT. Facts are a funny thing really. According to Websters Dictionary, a fact is:

1. A piece of information about circumstances that exist or events that have occurred
2. A statement or assertion of verified information about something that is the case or has happened

So as you can see, you can't really have an opinion about Global Warming since it is FACT. Sorry George Bush, Greg Hill (I do listen to your morning show everyday and love it, but I must disagree with you on this subject) and the American Association of Petroleum Geologists. (The AAPG is the only major professional organization in the natural sciences that formally rejects the likelihood of human influence on recent climate, according to Wikipedia.)

So to make those out there that still believe Global Warming is not happening, I have come up with a list of other facts that you can disbelieve, just so Global Warming is not your only one:

1. Gravity: Trust me, you are not really sitting in your chair right now, it is just a mirror trick made up by Penn and Teller.
2. The Internet: Even though you think you are reading this, it is still up for debate whether you are or not.
3. Photosynthesis: All that air you breath just goes to the local processing plant. Those pesky trees are just there to make you rake the leaves in the fall.
4. Smog: You are probably just still hung over...or baked.

Love,
Barry Clegg
cleggthis.blogspot.com

Dear Douchebag Manager of the Douchebag Place I work,

I couldn't be more unhappy with this job and you. You are worthless and I am tired of the work that trickles down to me that should be done at your desk. It infuriates me to no end that you get paid at least 4 times as much as I do to come in whenever you want to, which is never even remotely close to the 40 hours a week that you are paid salary for. Also, it brings me the utmost joy when you bring your children in with you.

Apparently, your immense salary (that, as I have already said, exceeds mine by more than 4 times) is not large enough for you to be able to afford a babysitter. I especially enjoy it when you bring your one year old in with you, even though your wife is a stay at home mother, and then, proceed to change her soiled diaper in the office next to me and leave the smelly diaper in the trash can beside the front office.

I also would like to thank you for hiring the special group of derelicts I have the honor of calling my coworkers. I use that term loosely because the majority of them also aren't here for their scheduled shift. So, once again I'd like to thank you for the wonderful experience this job has brought me and for contributing to my growing dislike of people in general.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Boy Whom I Assist Much Too Often,

It is very rude of you to expect me to tell you everything that our mutual friend tells me. I mean, I understand the whole "is she talking about me?" approach to discovering her love for you, but it's really becoming a bit too much for me. I'd like to have a conversation that wasn't pointedly concerning her relationship with you. We girls have other things to discuss, like nail polish and cute boys and chick flicks.

Additionally, you should be grateful that I do any sort of undercover work for you at all, considering that three weeks ago you informed me that you liked my personality but that I wasn't hot enough to date, or something like that. I really should have backhanded you, but I didn't, because I am a rather generous soul.

Considering this, you should be glad that I tell you what color her shirt will be tomorrow, let alone whether or not she returns your affections. In the future, you might want to consider a well-placed "thank you" or maybe baking me some cookies. I'm especially fond of snickerdoodles.

Love,
Gabs