Dear A**hole who sat in the front row of my performance last night.

Have you heard the old adage "Are you in showbusiness? No? Well take your feet off the fecking stage so!". I don't know if you have ADD or are non compis mentis but if you even have the vaguest notion that you might be the kind of person who's easily distracted (by that I mean looking around ALL THE TIME during a performance) then its probably not the best idea that you sit in the front row in full light during a solo performance with you feet resting on the stage so that I almost trip over them. I don't know who the hell you were looking for. A long lost relative? Your disintegrating brain cells? But I really wanted to wallop you and say "get the f*ck out of my show!". And then to top it off - during two curtain calls you didn't even clap once! Not once! Listen mate, save the theater-going public the annoyance of seeing your pasty -four-eyed face in the front row and stay home. We don't need your hostility, disinterest or business!

-Fiona