Dear Giulia,

I take offense at your latest "Mitt bashing" entry. I have been the governor here in Massachusetts since the "glory days", before we allowed homos to get hitched. Let me be clear, my administration takes no pride in being the first in the history of the United States governorhips to allow pillow biters to legally wed.
I remember back when butt pirates could do whatever they wanted so long as they didn't tell anyone about it. Why do they have to be married like my mommy and daddy were? It's just confusing. I can barely grasp the concept of putting a penis into a vagina, let alone putting one where I make BMs from.

You speak of supposed, abusive heterosexual parent couplings, of which I admit, some may exist. I confess some people have strange parenting techniques. Heck my father spent his off hours diddling shetland ponies and soaking his testes in buttermilk. (He believed it could be possible to have the world's first wrinkle-free scrotum.)

Nonetheless, this is a country that promotes free speech. You have every right to criticize me. In all honesty I just don't want anyone to think I'm gay. I look pretty masculine right? I have Ken doll hair, and a square jaw, and always iron my slacks. What? That's a little gay you say, and Ken is a uneuch? What the hell is a uneuch? Shit, I always though he was just wearing tighty-whities. Uh, nevermind I don't play with dolls. Barney Frank for president! I mean, yay Bush!

Mitterino P. Romney
Governor
Gayssachusetts

(aka Dennis)