Dear Toby Baker,

Now, I know that you're the wife of my university's president, but does that really make an excuse for your douchey behavior? Oh, you don't know what I mean? Well then, let me explain. See my friends and I own a dog near campus known as Krypto, which you had the joy of meeting last weekend. Now you remember? Yeah, he was the poor little dog that was lost and running scared that you said was a vicious animal and had you "absolutely terrified." Now, I understand that a grown woman has every right to be terrified of innocent dogs but does that mean you get to have him taken away from us as well?
Well, I'm glad that your douchey fear of animals has made us lose our favorite housemate. I didn't really think you had that kind of authority before but now I've definitely learned my lesson. Will you outlaw birds on campus if one poops on your shoulder? That would be super douchey of you. Oh well, I hope you have a wonderful dog-free day, because I sure will!
Puppy Hugs and Doggy Kisses,
Joe